London, UK - At the recent Church of England synod, the problem of why there are so few male worshippers was addressed. This problem has been lingering for decades. Why is it that men and Church seem to be polar opposites? I grew up in an environment where it was distinctly unfashionable to be a male Christian. Church was for old ladies: cool, male and Christian were mutually exclusive words. To be a real guy, the mentality was that you had to 'get some' with the girls. Church therefore was emasculating because it prevented you from being a real man.
While growing up in my teenage years, I subconsciously learned how to look at girls just to see how visually enticing they were. If they weren’t beautiful, in my eyes, they weren’t as valuable. Physical beauty could be equated to worth. I failed to appreciate other attributes of female beauty such as personality, intellect and temperament. From the age of 14, I subscribed to ‘For him magazine’ – a popular lad’s magazine with sexually suggestive pictures. Most of the guys at my school by this age had posters of scarcely clothed women all over their rooms. Sexually explicit material was accepted as the norm for everyone my age, its acceptance was a form of peer pressure that was very strong and powerful.
At the same time, I hadn't worked out how to act as a man towards women. I had difficulty relating to women and even struggled to start conversations. I found them extremely attractive, but did not know what to do. I had very few examples or role models of how to behave with respect towards the opposite sex. From this foundation, I began to treat women dishonourably. Later in life, still believing that physical beauty was the sole criteria for beauty, I had no solid foundation for a relationship. After a few flings at university, I was torn between knowing sex before marriage was wrong and an intense desire to act on sexual impulse.
What did the Church have to offer me at this age? I once saw an enormous painting in a Church. It was of Jesus as a merciful redeemer - an effeminate man with long parted hair, pale skin, looking decided feminine and passive. This sentimental portrayal of Jesus did not give me encouragement about what it meant to be a Christian man. Besides, what would my friends think if I became serious in my faith? It seemed to me that the Church offered passivity when I was looking for role models.
Later, I looked into my faith in greater depth. My main inspiration came from the life and writings of Pope John Paul II. He presented faith as an adventure. As a true model of authentic male spirituality, John Paul was a skier, mountaineer, adventurer, canoeist, academic philosopher and Pope. He demonstrated how to be a real man: to risk everything by the gift of self to others, through self acceptance and bravery. In the last year of university, bored of searching for love and happiness in all the wrong places, I became a Catholic, a desire that had lingered for a long time.
The Pope, through his life, witness and testimony, was not afraid of speaking the truth, calling others to greatness and choosing joy in every circumstance. He showed that Christianity not only was an academically credible belief system, but lay at the roots of Europe's historical and cultural heritage. I learnt that men are called to be the initiators of human love. A man's body has 'stamped' into it the call to initiate relationships. In this context of the call to love, authentic love always encounters sacrifice, and for this reason men could not afford to be passive, fear rejection or have no deep convictions. These were problems that were concerned with the self. More and more, I saw that sacrifice is greater than selfish love.
I was convinced about everything that the Church taught about sex and marriage, but struggled to put it into practice in my own life. By this stage, I was reading FHM and John Paul's writings at the same time. With the gradual development and discovery of more about my faith, I began to acquire a greater mastery of self. I discovered that the Church taught that sexual desire is a good and natural thing, but being a slave to your sexuality was not. To be able to give oneself in entirety to another, our sexual desires need to be in good order. The Church helped to untwist the lie that you had to be sexually active to be happy. Through prayer, perseverance and reliance on God, I began to see the quest for purity as a battle. This helped me to appreciate the authentic dignity of the person as I found out that using someone for my own sexual pleasure was incompatible with loving kindness.
Overall, finding out about authentic masculine spirituality is still a journey I am on. Honesty, accountability, friendship and acts of service are all ways in which to grow on this journey as I strive to discover how to live out my Christian faith as a man to the best of my ability. I've avoided the 'pleasant, passive and nice' version of Christianity in my attempt to find passion, adventure and bravery. My love for God has given me meaning, purpose and direction. I have developed a real, living relationship with Jesus Christ. This has given me confidence, passion, dedication, zeal, a radical desire to live for God first. I still have temptations, but now I am resolved to live my Christian vocation to the fullest.